I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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