he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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