Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
