Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
