Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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