you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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