We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
