its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
