Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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