I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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