I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the day after is always just damage control
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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