I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
