Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
