I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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