There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it because I queefed?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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