I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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