Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
