I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
