ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
