And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
