Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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