I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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