half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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