I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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