Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
