just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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