Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
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Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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