you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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