I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
