dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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