so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you win again, gameday.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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