What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
