i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
