just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
