11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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