They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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