He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
