he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
