Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
