In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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