I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
