I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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