Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
