Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
