he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
