Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
