cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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