After last night, I could never be a politician.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
