just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
