He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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