I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
