I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
