Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
