This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
