Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
