I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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