i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
