Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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