you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
