girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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